Dear Diary…

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 20 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Caroline, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Caroline waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Caroline gave me a tour and showed me the machines… She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.

Caroline was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Caroline made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Caroline’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Smart Car in the club parking lot. Caroline was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Caroline put me on the Stairmaster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Caroline told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap, too.

Thursday:

Caroline was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Caroline took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

Friday:

I hate Caroline more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Caroline wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the ****ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Caroline left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote.

Sunday:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a vasectomy.

**********

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The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon ‘quickie’ with their 8-year old son in the apartment, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove by!’

‘Looks like the Andersons have company,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s out on his bike and his mum is telling him off’

‘Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!’

‘Jason has had his skateboard taken off him

After a few moments he announced, ‘The Coopers are sh*gging!!’

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper’s on his balcony with a Mars Bar’.

*********

  1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
  2. I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
  3. I need to practice social distancing from . . . the refrigerator.
  4. Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter . . . The Living Room or The Bedroom.
  5. PSA: every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believing all is well in the kingdom.
  6. home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job!
  7. I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to Twilight Zone.
  8. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into the house, told my dog . . . we laughed a lot.
  9. So, after this quarantine, will the producers of My 600 Pound life just find me or do I find them?
  10. Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business!
  11. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
  12. Day 5 of home-schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
  13. I’m so excited . . . it’s time to take out the garbage. What to wear, what to wear?
  14. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardia. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroomia.
  15. Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks women with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
  16. Day 6 of Home-schooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.

**********

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True Value

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is”.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
• One chalk mark $1
• Knowing where to put it $49,999

 

See more about Suzan St Maur on her Author Page here.

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